Does everything in life always have to have a reason? The things we do, the things we feel, the things that happen to us – do they all have to make sense all the time?
Or are we to simply lose all control and accept whatever life hands to us. All spirituality seems to point in that direction. The direction of letting go and submitting ourselves to the moment. I can see the peace in that. I really do. It helps me a lot, and I try to practise that every single day. I win some, and I lose a lot. But hey, we are not supposed to keep count.
My Twenties seem like a blur. In all my impulsive beautiful chaos, I seemed to have transitioned from one end to another of the personality spectrum, and it has left me stunned. Oh hell yes, it took me ten years, and the journey was as exciting as it was bewildering. Even today, I can see glimpses of it flashing through my eyes like it’s a motion picture in a multiplex, and I am the only audience. I can see things clearly, and they are beautiful.
All the wilderness, all the people, all the dangerous things, the romance, the heartbreak – I see it all. It is like my own personal documentary in a corner of my brain that I can access anytime. It makes me smile, it makes me cry and it makes me long for the girl I was, with the full realization that I won’t be happy being that person anymore. Make sense?
In other words
Haaye baji padi band Heer ki
Ab is band pe naache kon
Hui bolti band band si
Kayi dino se hai woh mon
Log kahein ki sanki ho gai
On most days, I am fine. I wake up, I work, I eat, I sleep, I do all the other things people are supposed to do. On some days, like today, all I do is “get sanki” and at the slightest trigger, cry. Cry like there is no tomorrow.
I tried googling “PMS symptoms and what to expect one week before your periods” and found nothing to validate or make sense of my utter hopelessness and despair. Btw, side question – how many of you men actually understand how hormones wreak havoc on your partner’s/mother’s/sister’s/friend’s body affecting their physical and mental health? Google “hormones & women”.
I went back to my own personal documentary reel, and found some moments that made me cry some more. And then I felt better, and this song made me feel better. 🙂
All of this brings me back to my original question, of WHY? Is there a reason to any of this, or this whole day? Am I who I used to be, or am I who I am now, or am I both? Does this make any sense?
I am not unhappy in any way, and that makes this whole feeling so much more complicated. I am quite comfortable not knowing actually. I am the kind of person that sees beauty in mystery and in surrendering to the unknown. All of my greatest adventures in love, work, and life have happened only because I trusted the path without questioning what the destination is.
The world of logic and having to explain everything baffles me, and days like these do not bother me much really. I am built like this, I like to feel things, and I like to lose myself in my thoughts. Some might call this living in the past, but I like to think of it as a gift I possess – the ability to time travel, and reflect on beautiful things that are part of me.
Why must we be so forward-looking anyways?
Why must we run this constant race to the future?
Why shouldn’t we slow down and realize what made us who we are?
How failures gave way to courage, and how heartbreaks gave way to unconditional love!
But when people ask me to explain this phenomenon, I am truly at a loss for words. Always a problem in my life, too many thoughts, not enough words. And some times too many words, and not the right audience. 🙂
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