In the last one year or so, anytime I have been unhappy about something or someone in my life, I have repeatedly asked myself — “Hey! Do you love yourself the way you want this person to love you?” Do you treat yourself the way you would like this person to treat you?”. The answer is almost always “Not really.”
On such occasions I fall back into deep contemplation of what I can do better, and in how many more ways can I love myself unconditionally, and fiercely. You may think it comes to me naturally, but it does not. Most times, I am cruel to myself unconsciously with the choicest criticisms and mean vocabulary swirling in my head, but I am guessing this happens with most of us.
See what I did there? I casually brushed off my capacity to inflict self-harm by normalizing it as a common occurence while in reality I have no clue what goes in other people’s brains.
Anyways, I digress. This pivot towards focusing on what I can do for myself has not been an easy road though. As someone who shows high symptoms of PMDD makes me spend more than half a month in utter despair, anxiety and emotional imbalance. Not exactly a fertile breeding ground for self-love, I say.
But I still rise, and I show up and I try. Some days people around me make it easier. Some days they show me they are human too. I cannot say even one person really understands what someone else really goes through in their head, the best you can do is listen and hold space. Then again, not everyone is capable of this.
When I was younger, I held such notions of people caring about you even when you don’t. People loving you in times when you think and believe yourself unlovable. Not anymore. Not at all.
Everything I believe in now is centred around what I can control. You see, beliefs are good, but they are even better if you can control the outcome, or you are simply setting yourself up for a heartbreak.
I keep telling myself — “When you love yourself unconditionally and to the fullest capacity, that’s when you can expect someone else to do the same.” Sounds flawed, doesn’t it? But in my head, it makes perfect sense.
More than sense, it gives me an outlet, a distraction to focus on at that moment, and a healthy goal to pursue I guess. Does that make sense?
But the problem is… its a pretty lofty goal to have, because I am not going to reach an end state. There is no finish line to living your healthiest lifestyle, having a perfect routine, having a perfect work life balance, and to loving yourself unconditionally.
And this makes me think, this pivot/distraction I offer myself is not sustainable. It is simply another thing to challenge myself on while I avoid confronting the problem in front of me. May be I am not ready, may be it is not the right time or may be a voice in my head tells me I am not good enough for this person/situation or myself, and I have to beat it by pursuing to better myself every minute of every day.
So the question is — Is this a path to self exploration or merely a dance away from difficult decisions? Or is it both?
This seems to be the most rewarding path for me at the moment, and I will keep you posted when I figure things out.
