There was a wilderness about me, that I miss. A carefree tune in my soul, that marched to its own drum. The happiness I felt when the wind brushed up against my cheeks and played with my hair, the auto rides in Mumbai’s long sprawling roads that brought a smile on my face. The chai at roadside shops next to autowallas and students and the trust I easily had for strangers, that exists no more.

I was fiercely optimistic, and nobody dared to rain on my parade. I was careful but always open-minded. I chose to see the good in people, and trust them not just while I am traveling, but also in day to day life.

I am suspicious about people and more often than not doubt their intent towards others; don’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled at a stranger. What could be causing this! I am caught in a world of scrutiny and mutiny inside my brain. I let darkness engulf me in ways I never thought was possible. I go through life barely engaging with it. This makes me sad.

I am not sure,

….. if it’s me who has mellowed down or if there is a shift deep down in my wild soul. I do not know if I am reacting to things the world and humanity have brought upon themselves. Maybe I’m.

Or maybe it is that I have forgotten what it is let go and surrender. You see, when you are on the road, at some point you have to surrender to the universe and believe that it will take care of you. Only otherwise, in my day to day life, I keep trying to control everything. Things that happen at work, at home, in relationships. It is a futile and n exhausting exercise I know, but I can’t seem to control it.

To see it through my lens,

Isn’t it heartbreaking to see your best and most effervescent qualities drown in an ocean of doubt and anxiety? It is a tragedy.

It is like watching your whole self slowly disappear leaving behind just a shell – an empty dead shell.

I wish to be that girl again,

… in some sense. She always knew things will fall in place, she had a fierce kind of belief in the way she just knew things. This kept her mind light and the wilderness in her soul alive.

I hope I find her soon enough. 🙂

-D